Balls of Fury

Starring: Dan Fogler, Christopher Walken, George Lopez, and Maggie Q

If their balls are furious then my balls are outright explosive!

In a movie all about balls there is also a constant theme of hard rods with a flared-out circle shape at the end. To my knowledge their are two ways to play ping-pong. My way… or the highway.

As the current CHAMPION of my family’s ping-pong invitational I acknowledge that i am the best, the greatest, and the most talented to ever set foot inside my house at the noble game of ping-pong.

I destroy by opponents with a controlled mixture of plutonium-enriched slams and spins taught to me by the most prestigious ping-pong masters in Asia I am unbeatable. It is highly unlikely that I will ever be beaten… EVER.

But, getting back to the movie. I must say that the first half is outrageously better than the second. I laughed multiple times at the slapstick humor Fogler brings to the table throughout the movie. To Walken’s credit though, he is easy to produce chuckles and laughter.

While the first half is a better movie, the second appeals to the non-moviegoer side of me. The ping-pong CHAMPION side. I am forced to appreciate the skills displayed in every match the characters play in. But i am unwilling to even think that any of the characters in the movie could beat ME.

Or MY explosive balls.

Rating: $7 out of $12

Innerspace

Starring: Dennis Quaid, Martin Short, and Meg Ryan

Innerspace while old –released in 1987– is one of the better movies i have seen all year. Both my parents, bless their hearts, wanted to see a movie last night and suggested we rent one from the blockbuster on the corner.

They wanted to rent Innerspace. When i asked what it was about they said it was a great comedy where Dennis Quaid is in Martin Short’s body.

Well… that definitely confused and repulsed me momentarily, but after making a crude joke about their choice of words they gave me a more in depth summary of the movie.

“Dennis Quaid is part of secret government operation regarding miniaturization” they said “and he gets injected into Martin Shorts body when the government operation is attacked.” I replied, ” Oh that explains everything.” And was then forced by my slave-masters — A.K.A parents — into going and renting the movie.

All in all i did really enjoy watching it. Innerspace utilized a lot of slapstick and uncomfortable situations not seen in modern comedies, and i must say i enjoyed the old comedy methods better than the new.

I highly recommend watching this movie to anyone that wants to laugh and be consistently amused for a good hour and a half.

Rating: $10 out of $12

Inglorious Bastards

Starring: Brad Pitt and many many more

Inglorious Bastards was a masterpiece by Quentin Tarantino that reminded me vaguely of The Godfather at moments throughout the movie.

The movie depicted a what-if scenario where Hitler and the other leaders of the Nazis were killed early on in the war. While not exactly a comedy the movie made me laugh more than some “comedy” movies of the summer — like Funny People. Brad Pitt amongst others provided a certain angst to lines and situations that were amusing and provoked chuckles and laughs out of me.

The movie also was very serious at points with long silence points interrupting conversations with symbols lying everywhere for the viewer to understand. In my memory of The Godfather there were periods of almost silent conversation with quick violent bursts of violence and gore interspersed throughout.

Inglorious Bastards captured this technique masterfully. At various points in the movie — most memorably the bar scene — there were long drawn out situation that built up tension and the mystique of the situation until finally… everyone was dead. People were gored, butchered, and disgustingly tortured brutally and visually without any kind of sensor-ship for Tarantino.

Truthfully amazing. I am not squeamish, but i do wonder how some people might handle seeing this movie. But then again if one can handle the horse head in The Godfather then one can handle the scalping and bloody shooting of Inglorious Bastards.

Rating: $11.50 out of $12

Funny People Was Not Funny

Starring: Adam Sandler, Seth Rogan, and Leslie Mann

Funny People should have been titled Sad People with a hint of funny.Yes there were a few jokes that made me laugh, but for the most part i was depressed while watching an annoyingly long supposed-to-be-comedy movie.

Most of the script was chuckle material. Not full-blown laughter, but the feeling of the movie even prohibited from my chuckles from roaming free from my mouth. For the most part i was silent and wondering when the movie was going to end.

Adam Sandler’s character was not funny. He was a sad heartless monster who also happened to be a home wrecker until he epically failed and got the crap beaten out of him.

Seth Rogan’s persona was a impoverished bad comedian living on his friend’s couch that had trouble even making a crowd laugh at a comedy bar.

Leslie Mann’s character was simply a bored housewife trying to spice up her life by cheating with an ex and she was not funny!

If you have seen Funny People you would see that it was a waste of money and I also would assume you are very frustrated right now thinking about the wasted money… so I will give you… the viewer something to relieve that stress.

Doesn't it feel good!?

Rating: $5 out of $12

Ice Age: Dawn of the Failure

I thought my movie taste resembled that of a 10 year old. I thought correctly. Throughout the terror that was the 3rd –and hopefully last– Ice Age movie I counted around 11 outbursts of crying. 7 of the 11 came from 3 toddlers in the front whose parents REFUSED when asked to take them outside. Another 3 came from behind my seat. And last, the longest and most annoying came from the 10 year old seat 3 to my left.

I would estimate the child’s outburst lasted 15 minutes due to the fact that it ruined 2 scenes and part of a 3rd. Although I am confident that the tarnished scenes would have been acceptable to my heavenly teenage standards. Although I am not comparing myself to Jesus, the before mentioned scenes might have been respectable without whines for “MY CANDY!” His mother denied him his Buncha Crunch.

The movie starring the voices of Ray Romano, John Leguizamo, Denis Leary, and Queen Latifah was a bland showing compared to its previous counterparts. It lacked creativeness of any sort! I loved the 1st 2 movies, but I can comfortably say I detest this movie.

Normally I rate movies out of $12, but this movie was special. I went into this movie ANGRY! I thought that a 3D movie was the same price. Ignorant as I was, nothing angers me more than paying more than I want to. This movie will be rated out of $16.50! Not $12.

I have many complaints about 3D movies:

1) It gives me a headache

2) I became frustrated when my headache evolved into a migraine, I could not watch the movie without the 3D glasses –screen is blurry.

3) The 3D did not add ANYTHING to the movie!

Rating: $8 out of $16.50